The Ruffetting Post

Fucking Isn’t Lovemaking

Despite contradiction, fucking isn’t lovemaking. Why? Well, that’s a good question.

The reason is that when you make love, you’re actually doing that: making love; creating love with another, participating in love because you love them.

If you write that you fucked them, all that meaning is lost.

Fucking is what pornstars do. Fucking is for one night stands that are meaningless sex. You should call it fucking whenever you do it with someone without love.

Fucking is really just consented rape. I mean, think about this way, what’s better:

“We fucked” or “We made love”?

I would think “we made love” as “we fucked” sounds so harsh when someone says it. But if you said “we made love” when you clearly didn’t, well, you’re just lying to yourself, whoever you were with, and whoever you’re telling.

Here’s a passage from my novel Drunk to help you understand love better:

I was now lying in bed with Blaire, with the sheets overtop of us. We had done it, but very slowly. And as the stereotypical man would want to go in fast and hard, it felt so romantic and loving. With my skin pressed up against Blaire’s, it felt like the love from each of us was drifting into the other. I now understand why it’s called “making love” because it seemed any love for each other we had had before, had been heightened and that we actually did feel love go through us.

I personally believe that you should never fuck someone but then I also believe you should never participate in meaningless sex so I think a lot of people would disagree with me here.

I believe that when you engage in sexual intercourse, it should be meaningful and it should be with someone you love. Otherwise, you’re just fucking.

Do it right,

-The Rufflovologist

Word of the Day

Engorged

Mac Dictionary definition:

verb
1 [ trans. ] cause to swell with blood, water, or another fluid : the river was engorged by a day-long deluge.
• [ intrans. ] become swollen in this way.
2 ( engorge oneself) archaic eat to excess.

DERIVATIVES
engorgement noun
ORIGIN late 15th cent. (in the sense [gorge; eat or fill to excess] ): from Old French engorgier ‘feed to excess,’ from en- ‘into’ + gorge ‘throat.’

What have you engorged?

How to Date a Girl

Dating is not like it used to be. Most men usually just skip the meal and go straight for the sex. Then they leave and never call the girl back. This is the norm. But if you want to have a proper date, here are some tips:

1.     Drinks first. And this can be any kind of drinks: alcohol, coffee, tea, hot chocolate, etc. Men might think that alcohol usually leads to sex but it doesn’t always. To most men, sex happens when you get a few alcoholic drinks in her, which can either be really easy or really hard. There is no midway point. Most men argue that if the girl is really drunk, she’s more likely to sleep with you. This is perfect when you have to make your quick getaway. If though you are not like other men, drinks are a great way to get to know her.

2.     Exchange phone numbers. The whole “I will call you” gag doesn’t work anymore because texting is now invented. If you want to wait the three days or whatever, be my guest. Also, if you actually call her, she might be thrilled since usually she’ll probably expect a text. If you like her, you can always send her a text with something like “That was fun, we should do it again sometime.” This can now be your “I will call you” gag but be warned that she might text you back and ask when you are free. It is up to you though to actually respond to this. If you do want sex and that’s it or getting to know her has not impressed you, the best thing to do is just ask for her phone number and not give her yours. That way, there’s no way of her ever contacting you.

3.     Kiss knowingly. If you get as far as standing outside her place without forcing her against her will, (usually alcohol) well, congratulations! Most men would be shocked. If she says something like she had fun tonight and leaves right away, I wouldn’t pursue her unless you want a restraining order. If she stands outside her place for more than 30 seconds, you could lean in and kiss her. However, some girls might be shocked and you may be slapped in the face. If this happens, still don’t pursue her. When kissing a girl, you have to make the right judgement and it can easily be the wrong one. The best thing to do though is probably not kiss on the first date unless she invites you to. There are many ways you can know this, she could sway from side to side, slowly say she had fun, or just stands there as if she’s waiting for the full moon to come out or something. Do not have her waiting too long. When you feel the awkward silence (which is usually after 30 seconds) kiss her and don’t wait too long to act because she might just say “Bye” and that’s it. If she says, “Bye”, you messed up buddy and if you contact her, well, I think you get the idea by now. If however she gives you a quick hug or a long one, do not even kiss her cheek if you again don’t want to be slapped. And if you enjoy girl’s hands colliding with your cheek and receiving police phone calls, you have other issues my friend.

4.     If she asks you to come up for coffee, tea, cake, a biscuit, anything, that doesn’t mean she wants to have sex with you. Sorry, but it’s the truth. Nine times out of ten, she’s not pulling out the sex card. If she begins hugging you, making out with you, kissing you all over, or just looking at you longingly, you would be a fool to not know she implies she wants to do the nasty. But if she offers you lemonade, do not do a Joey and remove all your clothes thinking she wants you naked in her room. Chances are the girl will not only be shocked like Monica but also kick you out of her place (and I mean literally kick) and you’ll be leaving with no clothes on running around with your dingaling for everyone to see and a bruised buttocks. And that’s worse than running through the woods with no socks on. Especially when you get arrested by the cops for public nudity. Unless you’re close to a nudist beach, then you’re safe once you’re there.

5.     Never tell her “I love you” on the first date. You do this and son, you really shouldn’t be dating anyone! Not only is this line forbidden on first dates, but you say this and girls everywhere will know you as the “I-love-you-man” and that’s not a reference to the hilarious movie. You say this line to her and you might as well kiss all your future prospects with the female sex goodbye. Enjoy being single my friend; it can get lonely.

6.     Bring a condom.  ‘Cause you never know.

Safe dating,

-The Rufflovologist

Word of the Day

Philter

Mac Dictionary’s definition:

noun
a drink supposed to excite sexual love in the drinker.
ORIGIN late 16th cent.: from French philtre, via Latin from Greek philtron, from philein ‘to love.’

Who’s using a philter for Valentine’s Day?

WHIPS

Ever hear of S&M? Well, listen to the song by Rihanna and get back to me.

Now that you are fully educated, whips and chains turn people on. The question is, should you strap your lover to the bed and beat their genitals? I wouldn’t recommend it unless it’s something that turns them on. Maybe you’d like to whip their back instead and call out,

“I’m your slave driver!”

or

“I enjoy beating people!”

or

“You are my prisoner!”

or

‘Cause I may be bad, but I’m perfectly good at it! Sex in the air, I don’t care; I love the smell of it! Sticks and stones may break my bones but chains and whips excite me!”

or

“Na, na, na, cum on!”

or something else entirely.

If you are one of those turned on by whips and chains, don’t worry, you’re not the only one. I might suggest watching some torcher porn while enjoying the intimate beating of your lover or just google: “whips and porn”, “chains and porn” or “whips, chains, and porn”. I’m sure you’ll have a grand time. I must recommend though that you view the porn while whipping your partner. It provides the best experience. Also, doing doggystyle and whipping both butt cheeks back and forth I believe provides intimate pleasure from both parities.

Get whipped, love!

-The Rufflovologist

When reading Fifty Shades of Grey one must not

1. read this book if you are a woman.

2. read this book if you are a man.

3. read this book if you are human.

4. read this book as a guide to sex.

5. read this book.

6. watch porn while reading this book.

7. whip others for pleasure as it brings on violence.

8. behave like an animal.

9. inflict harm on another (see Rule 3).

10. wear black as it’s a terrible colour.

11. wear red as it’s equally vicious.

12. use chains unless you are a prisoner in a real penitentiary, not a fantastical one.

13. torture others (see Rule 5 and 3).

14. handcuff anyone unless you are a real police officer not a sexual one.

15. use a bed to whip, maim, torture, or brutalize (see Rule 9, 5, and 3).

16. use any human as a dog.

17. believe literature is reality, it’s not.

18. promote violence.

19. shame themselves.

20. destroy themselves by reading this book.

21. use S & M or listen to the Rihanna song.

22. go to college in order to be pleasured by old men unless you are of a similar age.

23. go to university in order to be pleasured by old men unless you are of a similar age.

24. have sex with old men unless you are of a similar age.

25. dream of erotic fantasies that involve black, red, whips, or chains (see Rule 22, 15, 11, 10, 9, 5, and 3).

26. whip someone while drunk (see Rule 22, 15, 11, 10, 9, 5, and 3).

27. whip someone while drunk (see Rule 22, 15, 11, 10, 9, 5, and 3).

28. chain someone to a bed while drunk (see Rule 27, 22, 15, 11, 10, 9, 5, and 3).

29. chain someone to a bed (see Rule 28, 27, 22, 15, 11, 10, 9, 5, and 3).

30. treat someone as their slave (see Rule 29, 28, 27, 22, 15, 11, 10, 9, 5, and 3).

31. have sex with one’s professor.

32. have sex with one’s student.

33. masturbate to this book.

34. dominate someone with whips and chains (see Rule 30, 29, 28, 27, 22, 15, 11, 10, 9, 5, and 3).

35. take away someone’s virginity without asking.

36. take away the virginity of a minor.

37. engage in sexual intercourse with a professor who’s a virgin (see Rule 31).

38. engage in sexual with a student who’s a virgin (see Rule 32).

39. engage in sexual intercourse with your mother’s friend.

40. spank anyone for sexual pleasure or otherwise.

41. write fanfiction on this book.

42. write down dreams of writing fanfiction for this book.

43. continue the series of this disgusting book.

44. mention this book to anyone.

45. recommend this book to anyone.

46. sell this book to anyone.

47. love anyone who gives this book to them as a gift.

48. accept this book from anyone especially if when you ask why they got you this book they answer “just ‘cause”.

49.  accept this book from anyone especially if when you ask why they got you this book they answer “to improve your sex life.”

50. ever mention the words “fifty shades of grey”.

Follow these rules and the shades will be lifted from your eyes.

Don’t be shaded by shit,

-The Rufflovologist

Missionary Sex vs. Anal Sex

The Benefits of Missionary

1.     Pleasure

2.     Loss of virginity

3.     More places to do the nasty

4.     Muscle strength

5.     Intimacy

6.     Orgasm

The Benefits of Anal

1.     Do it like the animals do it; at least dogs

2.     No pregnancy

3.     Pleasure

4.     Physical workout

5.     More fun

6.     Do it multiple times and still retain your virginity

The Disadvantages of Missionary

1.     Loss of virginity

2.     Pain

3.     The likelihood of pregnancy if condom rips

4.     Condom rips

5.     Sexually Transmitted Diseases

6.     Boring

The Disadvantages of Anal

1.     A.T.M. disease

2.     Pain

SEX IT UP!

-The Rufflovologist

Need relationship advice or any matters to do with love?

Email The Rufflovologist: therufflovologist@gmail.com

I LIKE YOU BUT I ALSO LOVE YOU

One thing that is wrong with the English language is this phrase: “I like you” and this phrase: “I love you.” Consequently, the French language seems to have the same problem except for the fact that there is no difference between like or love, there is just “aimer”, so you have to fit the right word to the right context yourself. Do you like coffee or do you love coffee? But that is not the focus of this essay. However, there is also “adorer” which obviously means, “to adore” in French, so I guess you could say you adore coffee instead of just liking/loving it. But does it have the same meaning: adore and love? To the English speakers, saying “I love you” is more meaningful than “I adore you.” Adoration is more like “treasuring” to the English. Do you treasure your lover or do you love them? I looked up synonyms and I get “love” as one from “adoration,” but really is it? Love seems to have it’s own definition within itself.

But back to the topic: the difference between “I like you” and “I love you.” In this sense, the phrases are like aimer as they both really mean love, but “ I love you” is much stronger. If someone says they “like you” (not like, “I like you as a friend” for that has a very different meaning) as its own independent clause, (so no, “You’re funny, I like you,” because that has a different meaning as well) then they are hinting that they are interested in you. This is where the problem of “love” falls in. To many, logically, you cannot love someone before you even go on a date, but people have debated that you can be in love by just the beauty of their eyes, the way they speak, etc. without even spending time with the person. So if one of these romanticists says, “I like you,” do they really mean, “I love you”? Could be. This is why our heart can flutter when we hear that someone “likes” us; especially if the person who has said this to you is someone you are interested in (would like to date). But what happens when someone says they “love you” and it’s not your parents or siblings, but someone you are not related to? What happens if you barely know this person? Is that creepy or sweet? Seriously, I think it all depends on the situation and the person quite frankly.

To be on the safe side, it’s best to tell someone “I like you” when you barely know them. But when you’ve been with them for a while, don’t be afraid to drop the “I love you” card. If they say they don’t, that doesn’t mean your relationship has gone to the shit can, it just means that the other person doesn’t feel such strong feelings yet. Maybe they never will, but I would just give them time.

If you’re dumped or rejected, then that happens. But did you do something wrong? No.

Keep liking and loving,

Love,

-The Rufflovologist

THE MIND OF A LITERARY STUDENT

Othello is black and vicious. Iago is the devil. Desdemona is sweet, kind, and innocent. Roderigo is an idiot. Emilia knows too much. Cassio’s attractiveness almost destroys him. I really need to think of a thesis for my essay. Love seems to be predominant in Othello. But what about honesty and service? It’s 4:37 PM and I have nothing. What classes do I have tomorrow? I need to read a Tale of Two Cities by Monday, can I get it done? Man, I’m hungry, when did I last eat? Okay, stay focused. Othello, um…maybe Iago’s honesty is a way for Iago to manipulate the other characters in the play. Yeah, that sounds right. Shit, I just realized I have three books to read by Monday: Two Cities, The Catcher in the Rye, and David Copperfield. Man, Copperfield is so annoying. Why do I have to read such a stupid book for literature? All right, I really need to get a thesis down by the end of the day. I have to come up with another thesis right after that, that compares Of Mice and Men and The Great Depression. There’s no way I’m going to sleep tonight. Coffee. Right, I’ll get some coffee and then get back to work. While I’m down there, I might as well make myself a sandwich; I’m ferociously hungry. Ferociously? Who even says that word? I do, apparently. All right, coffee, sandwich, and back to the essay. Maybe I’ll write about how Othello’s love for Desdemona is flawed. That’ll turn eyes or is it heads? I’m not sure; it’s a stupid idiom anyway. Seriously, why is Iago honest? NO, he isn’t, that’s the point. What’s the point? I don’t even get this essay maybe I should reread the play. I DON’T HAVE TIME! Man, I’m hungry.